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Ghost Of The Best Thing On The Internet Thread™


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The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
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I'll write this from memory and hope it translates:

Burt was a truck driver for more than 20 years. He was used to careless and disrespectful car drivers who made his job difficult but one day, a cute little roadster swung into his lane and nearly caused an accident. Fed up, Burt pulled in front of the car and forced it to stop at the side of the road.

After pulling his rig over, Burt walked angrily toward the car and confronted the startled (insert hair color) woman who sat inside.

"Can I help you?" she asked, clearly concerned about the situation.

"Yeah, lady. You're gonna have to get out of the car," Burt said, as he thought about what he was about to do.

After she exited her car, Burt walked her across the street, where he drew a circle in gravel and instructed her to step inside. The woman followed the order and gave him an irritated shrug.

"I'm going to teach you a lesson. People like you are a menace," Burt said before he picked up a large rock and headed across the road. He reared back and threw the rock into the roadster's windshield, causing a loud noise and a wide network of cracks to form in the glass. Almost feeling bad about his action, Burt turned toward the woman to see how she reacted. He was surprised to see her smiling.

Oh, she's a tough one, Burt thought and realized that he needed to continue. 

"Don't you set one foot out of that circle!" he roared and she nodded to indicate that she understood.

Burt then located a small tree branch on the ground and he used it to damage the entire driver's side of the car. Again, he turned toward the woman and wondered if he'd gone too far. When he saw her, it took him a moment to realize she was not just smiling but actually giggling. Burt's temper flared.

"You stay inside that circle you crazy broad! Don't you step one foot outside! You got me?" he asked as she stopped smiling and politely nodded. He felt that he had to go all the way with this one. Burt stompted toward his semi and fetched a gas can that he used to soak the car from front to rear. Then, he pulled out a match and set the car on fire. It took seconds to completely become engulfed in flames.

Burt stepped back, wondering if he was going to jail tonight. Perhaps he would, but how else could he teach her a lesson? He turned toward the woman and this time she was laughing; nearly doubled over for lack of breath. Burt gave up. He walked across the street, wondering if perhaps he'd driven her insane.

"You know lady, I've been a truck driver for years. I've seen my fair share of lunatics out here, but you take the cake," he said, more concerned than angry. "Why in the world did you think it was funny for me to trash your car?"

"I don't want to tell you because you might get mad again," she said in a concerned voice. Still smiling, she looked away from Burt.

"No, seriously. I'm not even angry anymore. I guess that was good therapy," he assured her. "So tell me, why were you laughing."

"Well, I just thought it was funny," she said, laughing once again. "Because every time you turned around, I stepped out of the circle!"

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