Tim Mazetti Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 (edited) https://www.thefalcoholic.com/2019/8/10/20798556/matt-schaub-on-kurt-benkurts-injury-parody-funny-ha-ha-dont-send-me-an-angry-email Are you the cops? It was just a random accident. Ask my lawyer.” “Good luck proving anything beyond a reasonable doubt.” By Matthew Chambers@FalcoholicMatt Aug 10, 2019, 10:00am EDT Falcons backup quarterback Kurt Benkert saw his 2019 season come to an end before it started. The former University of Virginia passer looked great in the Hall of Fame game, tossing up 185 yards and one touchdown before suffering a severe turf toe injury. The team’s other backup quarterback, Matt Schaub, is no longer feeling the pressure for his roster spot without the young Benkert breathing down his neck. “You know, football is a dangerous sport,” said Schaub. “Benkert is a great player but ultimately was brought down by an unsuspicious injury. We can all agree there is no reason for anyone to look further into this perfectly normal injury and that his cleats were definitely not altered or modified in any way at all. The fans really just want to move on with me as [Matt] Ryan’s backup.” Schaub had a down Hall of Fame game, but looked rejuvenated against the Miami Dolphins. He easily outperformed recently signed Matt Simms on his way to completing 63 percent of his passes for 172 yards despite the offense missing Devonta Freeman, Julio Jones, Mohamed Sanu, and Calvin Ridley. ”Crazy how he just slipped like that in that random divot,” Schaub said while placing his jersey in front of multiple dirty shovels in his locker. “All I can do is show up every day and give it 110 percent. I can’t control who the team signs or who gets injured. I mean, it’d be a great time for Dominique Davis to really step up except he went mysteriously missing one night and was never heard from again,” Schaub said, pretending not to notice the roll of duct tape falling from his gym bag. Schaub has made quite the career as a backup quarterback, with a long history of quarterback battles ending prematurely due to injuries or other mysterious circumstances. We caught up with him the other day to ask him if he lent any credence to the idea that he had been helped by suspiciously timed injuries over the years. “That’s quite the conspiracy theory, guy who is following me everywhere for some reason. I mean, some have even accused me of using leeches to drain the life from John Parker Wilson’s arm in anticipation of my return to the Falcons,” he said, removing his scuba mask as he emerged from Lake Lanier with a writhing bag of mystery creatures. “As if someone could be so brilliant.” Schaub told reporters he’s still ready to put in the work even at 38. “Being a backup is hard work. Sure, the two-year, $3.8 million deal is nice, but I still have to get to the games early and stretch like everyone else. I’m not just sitting on the bench... even though sitting on the bench is like 90 percent of my job. It’s still dangerous. Like when that guy they never caught hit Sean Renfree’s knee with a baseball bat during that failed mugging in the parking lot. Such a shame they never found the perp and I made almost $10 million since,” said Schaub, packing up a black ski mask on a 100 degree day while remarking that he intended to “hit the slopes” over the weekend. “You really have to focus on your health and everything you eat to make it in this league. That’s been a definite key to my longevity in the NFL. Look at T.J. Yates. He was eating a bunch of junk food and some of it contained polonium-210. He was never the same after ingesting the untraceable, radioactive material you can find for sale on the dark web. That’s why I only eat organic, non-GMO foods. Also yoga. Yoga is great.” Schaub said his favorite thing about working with the Falcons is the people. “It really is a brotherhood around here. I love everyone on this team and have made some great friendships. In fact, I’m taking Matt Simms out on my boat for some deep sea fishing. Hopefully the weather is good enough to do some shark diving. I think Simms would get a lot out of going face-to-face with a great white Simms was signed after Benkert’s injury. The Falcons reportedly reached out to Garrett Grayson first who decided to remain retired rather than return to battle with Schaub. Schaub was suddenly a bit more tight-lipped about Grayson. “Garrett doesn’t want to come back because he can’t take a joke. Not because of me. Everyone who has seen Hard Knocks know the new guys get hazed a little bit. Carrying pads, buying dinners, singing competitions, cut brake lines, and bumping into me carrying a gas can outside your house when you unexpectedly take out the trash. It happens everywhere. He really showed he can’t hack it in the NFL by calling the cops.” When asked how he has been able to stay in the NFL for so long, he took a long pause while putting his cleats on a pile of zip ties next to a large bottle marked ether. “What are you, some sort of detective? You should send these questions to my attorney, because I plead the fifth.” Schaub has three more games to solidify his backup job, starting with the New York Jets next Thursday. With starter Ryan likely only playing one or two series, Schaub will get another chance to shine for Falcons coaches. If history is any indication, he’ll do...hey, who are you? Get out of my house! Oh no! This article is a parody and we have no evidence suggesting Matt Schaub injures or murders his direct competition... yet. If you have evidence tying Schaub to any unsolved crimes, please email the Falcoholic Edited August 10, 2019 by Tim Mazetti Xero, mikeg272, Atlantafan21 and 6 others 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ya_boi_j Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 In before someone responds without actually reading it in full Flying Falcon, Tim Mazetti, mikeg272 and 6 others 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoomGoesTheDynamite Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 Should of signed Kap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Mazetti Posted August 10, 2019 Author Share Posted August 10, 2019 1 minute ago, ya_boi_j said: In before someone responds without actually reading it in full ......And thank you for that. ya_boi_j and papachaz 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atlwings Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 4 minutes ago, Tim Mazetti said: https://www.thefalcoholic.com/2019/8/10/20798556/matt-schaub-on-kurt-benkurts-injury-parody-funny-ha-ha-dont-send-me-an-angry-email Are you the cops? It was just a random accident. Ask my lawyer.” “Good luck proving anything beyond a reasonable doubt.” By Matthew Chambers@FalcoholicMatt Aug 10, 2019, 10:00am EDT Falcons backup quarterback Kurt Benkert saw his 2019 season come to an end before it started. The former University of Virginia passer looked great in the Hall of Fame game, tossing up 185 yards and one touchdown before suffering a severe turf toe injury. The team’s other backup quarterback, Matt Schaub, is no longer feeling the pressure for his roster spot without the young Benkert breathing down his neck. “You know, football is a dangerous sport,” said Schaub. “Benkert is a great player but ultimately was brought down by an unsuspicious injury. We can all agree there is no reason for anyone to look further into this perfectly normal injury and that his cleats were definitely not altered or modified in any way at all. The fans really just want to move on with me as [Matt] Ryan’s backup.” Schaub had a down Hall of Fame game, but looked rejuvenated against the Miami Dolphins. He easily outperformed recently signed Matt Simms on his way to completing 63 percent of his passes for 172 yards despite the offense missing Devonta Freeman, Julio Jones, Mohamed Sanu, and Calvin Ridley. ”Crazy how he just slipped like that in that random divot,” Schaub said while placing his jersey in front of multiple dirty shovels in his locker. “All I can do is show up every day and give it 110 percent. I can’t control who the team signs or who gets injured. I mean, it’d be a great time for Dominique Davis to really step up except he went mysteriously missing one night and was never heard from again,” Schaub said, pretending not to notice the roll of duct tape falling from his gym bag. Schaub has made quite the career as a backup quarterback, with a long history of quarterback battles ending prematurely due to injuries or other mysterious circumstances. We caught up with him the other day to ask him if he lent any credence to the idea that he had been helped by suspiciously timed injuries over the years. “That’s quite the conspiracy theory, guy who is following me everywhere for some reason. I mean, some have even accused me of using leeches to drain the life from John Parker Wilson’s arm in anticipation of my return to the Falcons,” he said, removing his scuba mask as he emerged from Lake Lanier with a writhing bag of mystery creatures. “As if someone could be so brilliant.” Schaub told reporters he’s still ready to put in the work even at 38. “Being a backup is hard work. Sure, the two-year, $3.8 million deal is nice, but I still have to get to the games early and stretch like everyone else. I’m not just sitting on the bench... even though sitting on the bench is like 90 percent of my job. It’s still dangerous. Like when that guy they never caught hit Sean Renfree’s knee with a baseball bat during that failed mugging in the parking lot. Such a shame they never found the perp and I made almost $10 million since,” said Schaub, packing up a black ski mask on a 100 degree day while remarking that he intended to “hit the slopes” over the weekend. “You really have to focus on your health and everything you eat to make it in this league. That’s been a definite key to my longevity in the NFL. Look at T.J. Yates. He was eating a bunch of junk food and some of it contained polonium-210. He was never the same after ingesting the untraceable, radioactive material you can find for sale on the dark web. That’s why I only eat organic, non-GMO foods. Also yoga. Yoga is great.” Schaub said his favorite thing about working with the Falcons is the people. “It really is a brotherhood around here. I love everyone on this team and have made some great friendships. In fact, I’m taking Matt Simms out on my boat for some deep sea fishing. Hopefully the weather is good enough to do some shark diving. I think Simms would get a lot out of going face-to-face with a great white Simms was signed after Benkert’s injury. The Falcons reportedly reached out to Garrett Grayson first who decided to remain retired rather than return to battle with Schaub. Schaub was suddenly a bit more tight-lipped about Grayson. “Garrett doesn’t want to come back because he can’t take a joke. Not because of me. Everyone who has seen Hard Knocks know the new guys get hazed a little bit. Carrying pads, buying dinners, singing competitions, cut brake lines, and bumping into me carrying a gas can outside your house when you unexpectedly take out the trash. It happens everywhere. He really showed he can’t hack it in the NFL by calling the cops.” When asked how he has been able to stay in the NFL for so long, he took a long pause while putting his cleats on a pile of zip ties next to a large bottle marked ether. “What are you, some sort of detective? You should send these questions to my attorney, because I plead the fifth.” Schaub has three more games to solidify his backup job, starting with the New York Jets next Thursday. With starter Ryan likely only playing one or two series, Schaub will get another chance to shine for Falcons coaches. If history is any indication, he’ll do...hey, who are you? Get out of my house! Oh no! This article is a parody and we have no evidence suggesting Matt Schaub injures or murders his direct competition... yet. If you have evidence tying Schaub to any unsolved crimes, please email the Falcoholic Shouldn't have been any panic anyway,it's pre season.Schaub is a vet and probably could care less Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoomGoesTheDynamite Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 John Parker Wilson Now that's a name I haven't heard in a minute Tim Mazetti, papachaz, Drew4719 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ya_boi_j Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 5 minutes ago, Atlwings said: Shouldn't have been any panic anyway,it's pre season.Schaub is a vet and probably could care less Bruh, I know you’re new here. We have a rule. We don’t quote long *** posts just to type a sentence. Especially when it’s the op. Tim Mazetti, blkbigdog35, papachaz and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikeg272 Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 (edited) Lol quite the humorous little article. Schuab probably will get a good laugh out of it also if he reads it Edited August 10, 2019 by mikeg272 papachaz and Tim Mazetti 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthGaBoy Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 We need Perry Mason's nemesis, Lieutenant Tragg and Hamburger, errr, I mean Hamilton Burger. We will have Matt Schaub screaming "Yes, I did it" in no time. There is simply too much evidence here to ignore this. Tim Mazetti 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Mazetti Posted August 10, 2019 Author Share Posted August 10, 2019 1 minute ago, NaGaBoy said: We need Perry Mason's nemesis, Lieutenant Tragg and Hamburger, errr, I mean Hamilton Burger. We will have Matt Schaub screaming "Yes, I did it" in no time. There is simply too much evidence here to ignore this. Nah, I think only Columbo could bring the goods on Schaub. Xero 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atl Falcon Posted August 10, 2019 Share Posted August 10, 2019 It’s preseason..::: relax Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
papachaz Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 2 hours ago, ya_boi_j said: In before someone responds without actually reading it in full well I see you actually REMEMBERED where you are in this thread ya_boi_j 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ya_boi_j Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 1 minute ago, papachaz said: well I see you actually REMEMBERED where you are in this thread You gave me a friendly reminder the other day papachaz 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
papachaz Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 Just now, ya_boi_j said: You gave me a friendly reminder the other day I got you bro, I got you..... ya_boi_j 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kschreck Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 My question is why does Schaub need multiple shovels to make a divot? And is he actually talented enough to use more than one shovel at a time? Tim Mazetti and ATLSlobberKnockers 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
papachaz Posted August 11, 2019 Share Posted August 11, 2019 31 minutes ago, kschreck said: My question is why does Schaub need multiple shovels to make a divot? And is he actually talented enough to use more than one shovel at a time? he should have just taken a wedge out there and practiced some chip shots, might have been less conspicuous kschreck and Tim Mazetti 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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