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Deadspin - Why Your Team Sucks 2016: Atlanta Falcons


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By the way, Kyle Shanahan is still here, and Roddy White recently accused him of driving him out of town. Forget for a moment that Roddy is old and decrepit and was gone from Atlanta regardless. I find it amusing that Shanny manages to make lifetime enemies literally EVERYWHERE he goes. He could stop at a gas station for coffee and walk out of there with at least three other customers wanting him shot and killed. It takes rare talent to be that repellent. I look forward to Julio Jones beating Kyle to death with his own shoes.

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Truth:  "You’re born in a ****** suburb north of the city (Marietta, Alpharetta, Johns Creek, etc). You go to a state school like UGA, Alabama, Ole Miss, Auburn, etc.You graduate and work in PR or Sales and move to Buckhead. You go to the same bars for 3-5 years until you meet the perfect douchebro/blonde idiot. You get married before you’re thirty, then move out to the suburbs to have some ****** kids and start the cycle all over."

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1 minute ago, ATLFalcon36 said:

Truth:  "You’re born in a ****** suburb north of the city (Marietta, Alpharetta, Johns Creek, etc). You go to a state school like UGA, Alabama, Ole Miss, Auburn, etc.You graduate and work in PR or Sales and move to Buckhead. You go to the same bars for 3-5 years until you meet the perfect douchebro/blonde idiot. You get married before you’re thirty, then move out to the suburbs to have some ****** kids and start the cycle all over."

 Uhhhhh--- ok

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Just now, Charles Wright said:

 Uhhhhh--- ok

It's in the article:

 

The Falcons ******* suck. They’ve always ******* sucked. They suck because they are a sports team from the stupid ******* city of Atlanta. It is a city full of people who have settled in life because “it’s cheaper here.” It is a city of people who think culture is a new Chili’s opening up next to the Target in whatever suburb they live in. Atlanta is a giant suburb whose slogan should be “Welp.”

Want to know the life cycle of the average “Atlantan”?

You’re born in a ****** suburb north of the city (Marietta, Alpharetta, Johns Creek, etc). You go to a state school like UGA, Alabama, Ole Miss, Auburn, etc.You graduate and work in PR or Sales and move to Buckhead. You go to the same bars for 3-5 years until you meet the perfect douchebro/blonde idiot. You get married before you’re thirty, then move out to the suburbs to have some ****** kids and start the cycle all over.

Even better, the majority of people who say they’re from Atlanta are people who live in the suburbs and are afraid to go inside the perimeter (I-285 for you carpetbaggers) because the city is dangerous (read: Black). Other cities may have invented White Flight. But ATL made an art out of it.

The number of times I’ve heard “We have a shot this year” is laughable. UGA fans have thought this every year since Herschel Walker helped them bring in a title 36 ******* YEARS AGO. They have not won an SEC title in more than 10 years. Hang around any mouth breathing UGA fan for more than 10 minutes and you’ll hear “We were this close in 2012!” For the record, they were not close. The Patron Saint of “good is good enough” Aaron Murray ended up 5 yards short of winning the game that would have allowed them to further **** the bed in a national championship game. But I guess if you’re a UGA fan, you hold on to what you can.

The “but we were so close” mentality also exists with The Falcons as well! “If only Harry Douglass hadn’t tripped!” Yeah, if he wouldn’t have tripped you could’ve let the whole nation watch your ******* get ripped apart by the Ravens worse than Elway and Co. did in 1998. Sounds like a great time.

There’s also a whole contingent of fans who believe the Hawks have rejuvenated their roster by letting the best player of the past decade walk for nothing, signing perpetual malcontent and human telenovela Dwight Howard, and giving the reins of the offense to a kid that looks like a ******* alien who can’t make good decisions and weighs less than the average 3rd grader in rural Georgia. Oh, and they’re about to do the same thing they did with Horford with Paul Millsap. It’s cool though, because we still have Kyle Korver. Atl fans will never fail to overrate slightly above average white guys. (see: Freeman, Freddie)

Also amazing is the fact the city embraces the uniformed Ponzi Scheme known as the Atlanta Braves. “Take millions of dollars to build a stadium without representation? Fine! But don’t raise my taxes to pay for government benefits or extend MARTA to a point where any minorities might be able to come and get me.”

They built a cluster**** of a city on the basis of wagon trails and train tacks, then had it all burnt down, only stubbornly built it back without a grid or plan of any kind. This embodies Atlanta.

My dad was born in 1962. The Falcons franchise began in 1965, the Braves came in 1966, the Hawks came in 1968. He has seen one Championship in 148 years of Pro sports. He told me the other day he doesn’t think he’ll see another ATL championship before he dies. I hope he’s wrong, but knowing the perpetual disappointment that is Atlanta, he’s probably right.

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