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April Fools' Mock Draft

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Bonus Paul Worrilow hate in #5:

1. Tennessee Titans: QB Jared Goff, California
Analysis: What in the actual heck is happening right now? We’re not sure, but the Titans appear to be loading up the quarterback position for a run at next year’s first round pick, pairing Goff with the incumbent Marcus Mariota. Perhaps Mike Mularkey is throwing it back to his Buffalo days, when he led the Bills to an impressive 5-11 mark behind the fabled, rotating arms of J.P. Losman and Kelly Holcomb. We’ll have to wait and see.

2. Cleveland Browns: QB Connor Cook, Michigan State
Analysis: The Browns move from a quarterback who wouldn’t stop partying to one they are absolutely positive won’t get invited to anyone’s celebrations in the future. It’s a linear way of thinking, but one that has built a storied tradition in Cleveland that the franchise has no intention of disregarding anytime soon.

3. San Diego Chargers: DL A’Shawn Robinson, Alabama
Analysis: Jalen Ramsey is still on the board? Laremy Tunsil? Myles Jack? DeForest Buckner? But no, let’s take a much worse version of the Oregon Ducks defensive linemen in Robinson, who looks like he’s 44 and offers less pass rush than Barkevious Mingo (oh no). You stay classy San Diego.

4. Dallas Cowboys: DE Joey Bosa, Ohio State
Analysis: This pick will actually make sense to a lot of people, and it makes sense to me, but for whatever reason, nothing gets Cowboy fans’ blood boiling like mocking Joey Bosa to the franchise at no. 4. So eat it Dallas, Jerry Jones doesn’t care about your feelings and neither do I.

5. Jacksonville Jaguars: LB Tyler Matakevich, Temple
Analysis: Paul Posluszny will be 32 next season, so finding his replacement is the top priority for Jacksonville in the 2016 draft. Enter Matakevich, a largely immobile, tackling machine, who will make more stops 5-8 yards down the field than Paul Worrilow. Added bonus? Matakevich moves at current Posluszny pace without having his body riddled with injuries like the former Penn State star. Huge.

6. Baltimore Ravens: WR Josh Doctson, TCU
Analysis: The goal here is just to completely bury Breshad Perriman’s career before it gets started, and by adding Doctson, the Ravens can safely store their second-year receiver behind a 30-year old Mike Wallace, a 37-year old Steve Smith, and all their other ancient veterans on the offensive side of the ball. Added bonus? Doctson will be 24 next season, so he’ll fit right in with the old heads that litter Baltimore’s roster.

7. Tennessee Titans: S Will Allen, Free Agent
Analysis: Wait, why are the Titans drafting seventh overall? Well, Chip Kelly saw an opportunity to grab Marcus Mariota and he took it, offering all the players that dislike him (i.e. the entire 49ers roster) and the no. 7 pick in exchange for the former Oregon passer. And why are they selecting a current free agent? Because he played for Pittsburgh and he’s available, like half of Tennessee’s current defensive players.

8. Philadelphia Eagles: CB Eric Murray, Minnesota
Analysis: With Byron Maxwell off to Miami, the Eagles have to find a way to replace his grabby, penalty-inducing style on their defense. Enter Murray, whose style includes a general mugging of opposing receivers whenever possible. The flags are back Philly.

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: OG Vadal Alexander, LSU
Analysis: Don’t say too many negative things about Vadal on social media, or his loved ones will come at your neck. I received a scathing message from his family on Facebook after I gave the guard a late day three grade, asking me how I could call myself a Christian and still say mean things. Now that Tampa has added Brent Grimes to the fold, the chemistry between Vadal’s clan and Miko could be fun to watch.

10. New York Giants: CB Antonio Cromartie, Free Agent
Analysis: Time expired on the Giants pick because they were so busy on the phone agreeing to terms with free agent cornerback Antonio Cromartie. Not only is the veteran corner’s cousin Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie also on the team, but between the former Jets defender and safety Landon Collins, the Giants secondary seems fully intent on populating the entire earth. All about making Little Giants folks (see what I did there?).

11. Chicago Bears: WR Laquon Treadwell, Mississippi
Analysis: The Bears only believe in big, outside targets at receiver, and Treadwell gives them their 18th jump ball, red zone threat for Jay Cutler to toss YOLO balls to.

12. New Orleans Saints: WR Jakeem Grant, Texas Tech
Analysis: Between Brandin Cooks and Willie Snead, tiny receivers are all the rage in New Orleans, so the 5-5 Grant should fit right in at Drew Brees’ eye level. Vernon Adams coming in the second round, stand by.

13. Miami Dolphins: QB Kevin Hogan, Stanford
Analysis: Since no one in the Dolphins locker room likes Ryan Tannehill (reportedly), the franchise feels the pressure to find the most likable quarterback in the draft to replace him. Hogan is ultra-friendly and unassuming, which should help offset the fact that he isn’t very good at football.

14. Oakland Raiders: EDGE Emmanuel Ogbah, Oklahoma State
Analysis: Oh how Al Davis would love this pick. “But guys, he tested great and he looks like he ate the Hulk! He’s gotta be good!”. RIP you crafty old soul. We love ya.

15. Los Angeles Rams: QB Cody Kessler, USC
Analysis: In Jeff Fisher’s determination to stay right around .500 as a franchise, he nabs a local kid to lead his mediocre team into battle. Everything about Kessler’s game is average to below-average, indicating a perfect fit in Los Angeles.

16. Detroit Lions: OG Joshua Garnett, Stanford
Analysis: The Lions have a hundred guards on a roster in need of help elsewhere, but the ability to add Garnett’s personality to a starting lineup that includes Laken Tomlinson is too attractive for them to pass up. Garnett wants to be a trauma surgeon and Tomlinson a doctor when their football days are over. So much intelligence and character…

17. Atlanta Falcons: LB Scooby Wright, Arizona
Analysis: Obviously middle linebacker needs an upgrade from the limited skill set of Paul Worrilow, and Scooby Wright is the man for the job. This mockdraftable.com web should tell you all you need to know about this athletic "phenom":


Scooby Web

18. Indianapolis Colts: DL Robert Nkemdiche, Mississippi
Analysis: The Colts have had their fair share of arrests and illegal activity within their franchise over the past few years, from their owner to their players, so adding a high-character, team-first guy like Nkemdiche should help tip the scales all the way to a federal investigation.

19. Buffalo Bills: OT Le’Raven Clark, Texas Tech
Analysis: You can never have enough big, long, raw, bad offensive tackles, so Buffalo adds another one to rotate opposite Cordy Glenn. Clark’s shy, reserved personality should gel beautifully with Richie Incognito on the Bills front line.

20. New York Jets: S DeAndre Houston-Carson, William & Mary
Analysis: Todd Bowles doesn’t care about any position other than defensive back, and Houston-Carson has seen time just about everywhere in the secondary with the Tribe. He plays with his hair on fire too, which Bowles will love as the head coach looks into starting 11 defensive backs on defense this year.

21. New England Patriots: DL Chris Jones, Mississippi State
Analysis: Belichick couldn’t be kept out of the first round, agreeing to trade three of his 127 running backs for the 21st overall pick. It just makes too much sense for an organization accused of deflating balls to acquire a player known for his. Belichick, always one step ahead, has clearly had this plan mapped out since the Combine. All amidst the Pats fans clamoring for Daniel Braverman. Well done sir.

22. Houston Texans: QB Christian Hackenberg, Penn State
Analysis: If you’re a Texans fan and you think you want this pick to happen, trust me, you don’t. You really, honestly, truly do not want this pick to happen in the first. But it just did.

23. Minnesota Vikings: P Tom Hackett, Utah
Analysis: Ok, hear me out, Jeff Locke is a literal disaster as Minnesota’s punter, and I just think Hackett can help swing the field position battle after all Teddy’s three-and-outs (I’m actually a Teddy fan, so be easy). Fills a major need as one of the WPA (worst players available).

24. Cincinnati Bengals: CB Eli Apple, Ohio State
Analysis: As dubbed by our Jonah Tuls, Apple may be the second coming of Dre Kirkpatrick; long, athletic, and looks the part, yet has no clue what is going on around him. Plus it’s Cincy, and they haven’t drafted a first round cornerback in one year. They’re so due.

25. Pittsburgh Steelers: S Jayron Kearse, Clemson
Analysis: Just when Pittsburgh fans thought they’d recovered from the anti-Steeler presence of Gerod Holliman on their roster last year, Kevin Colbert nabs this year’s version in Kearse. The Clemson safety isn’t as bad as Holliman, but will leave fans who inexplicably hate Mike Mitchell wishing they could clone him.

26. Seattle Seahawks: OL Jack Conklin, Michigan State
Analysis: No team has ever needed offensive line help so badly, yet with Laremy Tunsil and co. still on the board, Seattle turns to a major question mark up front. Doesn’t it seem like no matter what happens, the Seahawks will always screw up in the trenches?

27. Green Bay Packers: FB Dan Vitale, Northwestern
Analysis: After watching John Kuhn perform like a superhero for years, the Packers know the soon-to-be 34-year old’s career is coming to an end, and Vitale is the perfect replacement. The Northwestern “superback” can do it all, and while some may snort at the value of a fullback in the first round, you don’t question Ted Thompson.

28. Kansas City Chiefs: OT Shon Coleman, Auburn
Analysis: Coleman kicked cancer’s butt just like Eric Berry, and while he may not be the most talented player the Chiefs could nab at no. 28, they won’t be short on mental fortitude and toughness on either side of the ball.

29. Arizona Cardinals: WR Chris Brown, Notre Dame
Analysis: Just so Bruce Arians can roll out three receiver sets of Jaron, John, and Chris Brown. Literally no other reason.

30. Carolina Panthers: QB Cardale Jones, Ohio State
Analysis: The Panthers are collecting all the victim quarterbacks, unfair recipients of the wrath of people whose opinions we shouldn’t care about. But we’re an indignant culture, and Jones’ presence on Carolina’s roster will allow us to keep complaining if Cam Newton does get hurt.

31. Denver Broncos: QB Joel Stave, Wisconsin
Analysis: Because, after last year, Gary Kubiak wants to prove that he can win a Super Bowl with literally anyone quarterbacking his squad. Stave is technically a human that possesses the title of quarterback. I can’t freaking wait.


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