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Why Your Team Sucks: Carolina Panthers


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It pains me to say this but CAR may have the best defense in the division this year. I think we will be much improved and hopefully surpass them. TB is going to play some D, and NO too.

Ahh but the great separator will be offensively where NO generally is the divisions best. I think they will have their moments because of Brees accuracy, but I think Graham's loss will catch up to them. I anticipate a much more consistant falcons offense that pours on the points. With a defense that aids the offense in field position and time of possession, our team as a whole figures to be the best of the bunch.

CAR struggles mightily on offense often squandering great field position off turn overs with 3 and outs due to poor accuracy, drops, and WR's that cant get open. Anybody in fantasy leagues should target Greg Olson because he is going to be their #1 reciever this year.

NO looks better on defense this year but how long will it last? Also with some decline offensively the team as a whole seems arrow pointing down to me.

TB has a QB now but he will have more heartaches than highlights given his OL. He has every weapon he could ask for and Muscle Hampster looks unstoppable. I think Winston will show glimpses of a playmaker but also be thwarted by rookie-itis in year one. Their defense might surprise. I think their pass rush more specifically will surprise. The secondary in part will be the achilles.

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Jerry Richardson looks like someone tried to sculpt Newt Gingrich out of McDonald’s hamburgers.


I live just outside of Charleston, SC. I was so excited last season to make the playoffs, if that’s what we’re gonna call last season. We decided to get a group of friends together at Buffalo Wild Wings to watch them face the Seahawks in the Divisional Round of the playoffs.

I had a table of 4 Panthers fans. If you add up the rest of the Panthers fans at BWW, we were still outnumbered by at least 20 pretend Seahawks fans.

When Cam Newton threw a pick six, I was the only Panthers fan left in BWW and was being made fun of and ridiculed by a bunch of people who had never even been to Seattle.

My pride and humility was ruined at Buffalo Wild Wings... and it was my birthday.


I went to the Panthers-Saints game last year and saw this inside the stadium.


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The state of North Carolina is to football what country of China is to tacos. They’ve heard of it, and some savvy members of the community may have tried it and developed a taste for the cuisine, but by-and-large it’s a novelty at best.

Between sweaty sessions of throwing up Jim Beam/Budweiser cocktails in the RV lots of N.A.S.C.A.R. festivals and slobbering support for Duke and UNC...two schools that 99% of the state’s students are massively unqualified to attend...the state has very little time for a sport that their surrounding neighbors have dominated so much that they successfully moved the Mason Dixon line south to put North Carolina squarely in a hinterland of regional existentialism. Too weird to live, too rare to die.

The owner actually died eight years ago and his preserved remains are wheeled out from the storage area below Bank of America stadium on game day. Our quarterback is one of the top earners in the NFL after winning one out of three playoff games. Our head coach seems to forget what sport is being played in the most critical moments and couldn’t inspire a pride of lions to kill an injured impala.


We let the greatest player in franchise history walk because our new GM thought he didn’t have anything left in the tank and didn’t like his attitude. We replaced him with Jerricho Cotchery, presumably because he played for NC State during the Valvano-era. That player joined the Ravens and, the next very season, proceeded to torch us for 7 catches, 139 yards and 2 TDs in a 38-10 beatdown.


Because they A) don’t know the jersey number of the best player on our team and/or
are unaware that other white guys play on our defense, the fans at BoA stadium scream “LUUUUUUUKE” in unison every time AJ Klein makes a tackle.

**** Sir Purr.

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I just moved from Charlotte and am kind of a Panthers fan. That’s about as good as you’ll get from us: “I’m kind of a Panthers fan.” Of the NFL’s 32 flavors, we are plain vanilla in a paper cup.

Last summer I’m in one of Charlotte’s nicer restaurants wearing nice slacks and a dress shirt. My wife and I are walking in and hold open the door for a guy on his way out, and he’s wearing Crocs and a Hawaiian shirt. I kid you not, it was Ron Rivera.

If the Panthers suddenly moved to Canada, their fans would need exactly 2 seconds to forget that they ever existed. The Panthers are already a backup option during weekends in Charlotte – they can’t compete with ACC basketball, SEC football, the Braves, NASCAR, Lake Norman and Asheville. The Panthers are the NFL’s equivalent of a kid playing guitar on a street corner. They’re not terrible, but they’re certainly not good and they’re something to watch for a few minutes until it’s time to move on to wherever you were going, which is likely an ACC basketball game. There are high school teams with more dedicated fans AND better offensive lines.

And then there’s Bank of America Stadium and its corrupt, bloated namesake. If you ever write a series called “Why Your Job Sucks”, start with Bank of America. Two types of people work there: Investment bankers, each of them a bigger tool than the last; and corporate banking drones who are just doing time until they can walk to lunch and pay $29 for a burger, chips and a water with lemon. If there’s one thing Charlotte does not lack, it’s lunch spots that will remind you of the “37 pieces of flair” place in
Office Space.
Bank of America sucks and so do the
restaurants that its employees pay money to get fat in.


Being a Panthers fan during free agency is like being Jewish on Christmas.


This year, they said they could afford to spend more. Who did they get? Michael
Oher and a dude named Peanut who’s on his third triceps muscle.

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Mike Shula’s favorite way to end a drive is with a punt. Sometimes these get blocked and returned for a touchdown. Twice. In the same game. Our new left tackle was cut from the
2-and-14 Tennessee Titans and is an
over the one that we had.


**** this fan base.


Mike Shula. Mother****ing,
, son-of-a-bitching,
-eating, piss britches candy
, Mike Shula.

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Jerry Richardson only cares about selling more number 1 jerseys to overweight rednecks who believe Cam is better than Peyton Manning and Drew Brees combined.

And **** Marty Hurney in the eye with a ghost pepper for those deals we are STILL suffering from.


Richardson has the cheapness of Jeffrey Loria, the lack of modern football acumen of late era Al Davis, the loathsome personality of Dan Snyder, and the grumpy doucheface of Mitch McConnell.

You know those Personal Seat Licenses that fans are forced to buy to keep their season tickets whenever a new stadium is built? Richardson pioneered that concept to get BOA built. And you may think, well, at least that is better than fleecing the taxpayers...

...except for the fact that Jerry extorted $87.5 million from Charlotte last year to renovate a
18 year old stadium.


In 2013 the city gave the Panthers $87.5 million for improvements to their stadium. This guaranteed they would stay in Charlotte for only 6 years. That’s $14.6 million a SEASON (the 3rd most expensive such deal in the
). Jerry Richardson got this deal while claiming the team was broke. And what did they get for $87.5 million? Escalators,

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I think I told this story last year but I’ll tell it again, I grew up going to Panthers games with my father. We sat in the club level on some corporate tickets, which was cool to 9 year old me. There were two guys that stuck out at BOA. One was a guy that sat behind me who we only referred to as Drunk Fat Dude. DFD would pound beers in the parking log, pound beers in the stadium and then stand up about halftime and yell PANNNNNN.... THERRRRRRRSSSSS at the top of his lungs for the rest of the game. By the time the second half kicked off his face would be purple and his eyes bugged all to
. Never saw him miss a game until he suddenly stopped coming. I’m sure he had a coronary in the parking lot.


-This offseason, our marquee free-agent signing was Michael Oher. And the worst part is, he’s actually an improvement over the last guy.

-Our 6,739-year-old owner is basically a living corpse with half the charm.

-Before Cam Newton, the best quarterback we ever had was Jake Delhomme.

-Odds are, we’re going to play terribly again this year and still make the playoffs somehow. Since apparently that’s our thing these days.


Our only hope is that Cam is sacked enough times that he dies and becomes a zombie that is incapable of worrying if his sorry
offensive line can give him enough time to get the
snap exchange.

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