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Nfl Storytime: The Curious Case Of Ronald Mexico


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The late 90's and early 2000's were a golden age for QB prospects (note the word prospects). Between the entrance of Peyton Manning, Ryan Leaf, Tim Couch, and Donovan McNabb, it was a seemingly golden age to be selecting a QB at the top of the draft.

In 2001, a new QB would take the ACC by storm and redefine the QB prospect as we knew it: Michael Vick.

Vick's highlight reel at Virginia Tech was something to marvel at. He had one of the strongest arms ever in a QB prospect, blistering speed, and demonstrable ability to take over a game and improvise.

After his third year at Tech, it was clear that he was a top prospect, and he further solidified this by running a 4.33 forty yard dash at the combine, and reportedly a 4.24 at his Pro day. The Falcons traded up to the #1 overall pick and selected Vick (in exchange, the Chargers received their 2001 first and third rounder, which they used to select a guy you may have heard of named LaDainian Tomlinson).

Thus began the Michael Vick era in Atlanta, now remembered for his electrifying (yet erratic) play on the field, and the now notorious Bad Newz Kennel Club dogfighting scandal that put him in federal prison for 23 months.

Bad Newz Kennel was obviously high profile. It took one of the most popular, well-paid players in the NFL and turned him into a national enemy, a fall from grace that rivaled OJ Simpson's. But before Bad Newz Kennel, we had the curious case of Ronald Mexico.

Thomas Jefferson once said: "When you make money, you should take your fame and use it to bang lots of women."

And in his stardom, Michael Vick did just that. There are no tangible statistics to prove my hypothesis, but I suspect Vick was banging like, eight women a week. We learn early to always wrap that **** up, but we also know that sex with a condom is like eating candy with the wrapper on.

Somewhere down the line, Michael Vick predictably contracted the Herp. The love lumps. The gift that keeps on giving. The crotch craters. The Rick Santorums. But what do we say to the God of death abstinence when we're a star athlete? Not today, abstinence.

Thus the bang train kept banging. Arthur Blank (who has an uncanny resemblance to Waluigi) would often ask Vick if he could join in on his sex parties. Vick, understandably denied his requests, as old man balls at an orgy put a kibosh on any fun (Hugh Heffner being the exception. Also, I can't confirm any source that says Arthur Blank tried to get in on Michael Vick's sex parties. Just trust me here).

As Vick's ***** meatspinned through the Atlanta skyline just as the Bat symbol shines in Gotham, somewhere down the line, he spread the herpes to a young healthcare worker by the name of Sonya Elliott.

Fornicating with star athletes is pretty fun until they give you an STD. She got pissed off and sued Vick. Vick wanted to be absolutely sure that he had the love lumps, and so he opted to get tested.

Just as Clark Kent assumed the moniker of Super Man...

Just as Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider to become Spider Man...

Just as Jon Osterman became Doctor Manhattan...

Michael Vick's morphed genitals turned him into the greatest super hero the city of Atlanta has ever known:

Ron Mexico.

In researching the origins of the name "Ron," I found that it came from the "Scottish form of RAGNVALDR, a name introduced to Scotland by Scandinavian settlers and invaders." He was doing some invading alright, but rather than plundering, he was giving. I don't know where the Mexico part comes in, but I think he could have come up with a more discrete last name, like "Billingsworth" or "Goldstein."

To avoid the press and keep confidentiality, he got tested under the "Ron Mexico" pseudonym and the tests confirmed his worst doubts: he indeed had the Herpes.

'I've got something to tell you. I've got it,' he reportedly told Elliott. Elliott and Vick Mexico would settle out of court under undisclosed terms, but the Ron Mexico saga began to tarnish the seemingly pristine image of Vick that so many had.

Scholars theorize that Vick proactively contracted the virus as a defensive mechanism against the inmates who wanted to play a game of pin the tail on the donkey with him in federal prison, a mark of the genius of Ron Mexico.

Michael Vick has long left the city of Atlanta, but his lasting legacy lives on in the form of the disease he helped spread throughout the southern metropolis. Falcons fans are often quoted in saying "We are all Ron Mexico," a cry of solidarity over the horrible STDs they all have (I think the Saints and Panthers fans say this too).

This is the story of Ron Mexico. The greatest super hero that ever lived.


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