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Guest fibonacci

The cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing. There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.

"What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.

The Indian answers, "Me tell time."

"OK. If you are so good, what time is it?"

The Indian looks down at his ***** and the shadow it made and said, "It 2 o'clock."

The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!"

The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket.

"Don't tell me... you're telling time also?"

The Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."

"Okay smartass, what time is it?"

The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his ***** and says, "It 4 o'clock."

The cowboy is amazed at the Indian.

He keeps walking and hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.

"Don't tell me you're telling time!?"

Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!"

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A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

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A beautiful young woman worked as a receptionist for a banker. Having grown tired of the rich clients who would attempt to seduce her, she came up with three tests to humble them. One day, a man from the Middle East came into the bank and stared at her for several minutes while waiting for her boss to become free.

"May I help you?", she asked, somewhat unsettled.

"You are a very beautiful woman", he answered. "I must make you my wife."

Seeing her opportunity to humble him, she told him he must do three things for her before she could marry him.

"Whatever you want," he responded. "I do, I do!"

She pulled out a map and circled an island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. "You must first buy this island for me."

He pulled out his cell and called someone, speaking excitedly in Arabic. Finally, the call ended. "I called my realtor. The island that you want costs one billion dollars, but you are so lovely, I buy! I buy!"

Not impressed, she pulled out a cardboard tube from which she removed a set of blueprints. "The man that I marry must build this castle for me on the island."

He examined the blueprints and snapped a photo with his cell. He then sent the photos to someone and placed another call. He talked in Arabic again and anxiously explained what he wanted. Finally, he ended the call and turned to her before explaining: "That was my architect. The castle that you want, it will cost two billion dollars to build. If the castle makes you happy, I build! I build! What is the third thing you desire?"

She was impressed because nobody ever made it past the second requirement. She smirked at him and explained: "The man that I marry must give me twelve inches. Can you do this?"

Suddenly he had a sad look on his face, yet he picked up his cell and placed a call. He talked quietly and not nearly as excitedly as before. Finally he ended the call. "I talked to my doctor and although he suggested that I reconsider surgery, I love you. So I chop! I chop!"

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Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."

"Now spell 'stupid'."

Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands up and says, otay, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

"I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

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While on his friend's deck, a guy asked to borrow his friend's lighter.

"Sure, it's right over there," he said pointing to a foot-long disposable butane lighter.

"Is that for real?", his friend asked.

"Yeah, my genie gave it to me."

"Bullsh*t," was the response, to which the host went to a tool box, opened it and pulled out an old glass bottle.

"Rub this," he said. His friend rubbed the bottle and an very old genie came out in a wisp of purple smoke.

"I am the genie of the lamp," he said. "What is your desire, O master?"

"I want a million bucks," the guest replied without hesitation.

"What?", said the genie.

"A million bucks."

Fooling with the switch for his hearing aid for a moment, the genie finally figured it out, looked back, and asked him again to make a wish.

"A million bucks!", he shouted, now annoyed. The genie smiled. "As you wish," the genie said respectfully before saying a spell and disappearing back into the bottle.

Shortly afterward, a dark cloud appeared overhead. The guest looked up and knew that a tornado had formed and was coming down right where they stood. While the host wasn't worried, the guest closed his eyes and waited for... Nothing.

He opened his eyes and for as far as he could see, there was nothing but ducks. Staring at him reverently, waiting to obey his wishes.

"Man," he said to his friend. "That genie is wack. I asked that fool for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks instead!"

His friend was obviously not impressed. He took his cigarette from his mouth and smiled.

"So, you honestly thought that I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"

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A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'

He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $18.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $22.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyer brains $90.00 a pound.'

So he asks the man behind the cash register, 'how come my brains are only worth $18.00 and a lawyer's worth $90.00?'

The man replies, 'do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?'

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in WWII, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 German soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

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A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief.

"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief.

"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish?"

"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells,

"You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!"

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. Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict

on his divorce case.

"Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she

is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent,"

proclaimed the judge.

"But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said

she was ******* Goofy!"

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A koala bear was sitting at a bar and a prostitute sat down next to him. The koala introduced himself and asked how the woman was doing. She stated she was a prostitute and asked the bear if he wanted to have a good time. The bear took the woman up on her offer. They get a hotel room and do their thing. The bear gets up to leave and the woman says, "Wait! You owe me $200!" The koala said, "For What??!" She said, "I am a prostitute! I told you that!" The koala explained that he had no idea what a prostitute was and pulled out his phone to ask Siri what a prostitute was. The phone said, "Someone who performs sexual favors in exchange for money or drugs." The Koala said, "Maybe you should get out your phone and ask it what a Koala Bear is!" The woman pulled out her phone and asked away..."What is a koala bear?" To which the phone replied....

"Koala Bear: An animal who eat bushes and leaves."

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A single woman pregnant with twins decided she was going to wait to name her children until after she delivered. Due to complications during delivery, she slipped into a coma and did not come out of it for 3 weeks. When she came out of the coma, she asked if her children were ok and she was ready to give them names.

The doctor replied, you had a boy and a girl and they are doing fine, but your brother already named them.

The woman asked her brother what he named the girl. He said, "Denise."

Then she asked him what he named the boy. He said,

"DaNephew."

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You guys hear the one about the three convicts who are on their way to prison? They're each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, the first convict turns to the guy next to him and says, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulls out a box of paints and says that he plans to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." He asks the first guy what HE brought. The first convict pulls out a deck of cards and says, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, any number of games." Meanwhile the third convict is sitting there grinning to himself. The other two notice this and they say, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulls out a box of tampons and smiles. He says, "I brought these." The two are confused, and say, "What can you do with those?" The convict says, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

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You guys hear the one about the three convicts who are on their way to prison? They're each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, the first convict turns to the guy next to him and says, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulls out a box of paints and says that he plans to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." He asks the first guy what HE brought. The first convict pulls out a deck of cards and says, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, any number of games." Meanwhile the third convict is sitting there grinning to himself. The other two notice this and they say, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulls out a box of tampons and smiles. He says, "I brought these." The two are confused, and say, "What can you do with those?" The convict says, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

laugh.pnglaugh.png

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