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Snafu
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My wife and I have been married for 6 years and have a child together and a step-daughter (Her child) from her previous relationship. I have been in the Air Force for 10 years and recently got orders to Guam on a 4 year tour. We currently live in Las Vegas and The child's father lives in Idaho. She has always primarily lived with us. Understandably, the father does not want his child to go to Guam for 4 years and has refused to sign off on any paperwork for her to go. We have tried to compromise with him but he seems to be under the impression that he is in control of this situation. Yesterday after talking to my wife i talked her into offering him to allow her to live with him for the 1st 2 years and come live with us for the last 2, just to try to settle this civilly and keep it out of courts. I feel like this is as fair as an offer we can give and should benefit both parties. This guy is acting like a jerk though and just continues to say he'll think about it and acting snide. I felt like the split offer was not only best for the parents, but was also in the best interest of the child. I am getting fed up though and just want to see if what I have offered is somehow wrong. If this ends up going to court, would the proof that we tried to split the time and he refused look bad on him?

Edited by RubberDucky
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Tough situation for all parties involved. Being removed, I can put myself in both y'alls shoes and they both kinda bite. I wouldn't want to have my kid gone for 4 or 2 years. If money grew on trees, the child could visit the father a few times a year, but...

Of course, if I were you, I wouldn't want to break up the family and leave your step-daughter stateside either

I hope for the best of a bad situation for all of you, good luck

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There is no good solution for the kid. That's the only thing that really matters and it's a lose lose. As far as for the dad, what you've offered makes the most sense but he isn't out of line in not being okay with that either. Put yourself in his shoes and you'd probably put your nose up at the arrangement too. Good luck but that's tough.

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LIke the others have said it sucks but I would like to say.

Don't get emotional about this decision (ofcourse it isn't easy) but the idea of this guy acting like a jerk is annoying but doing something to spite him is not what is in the best interests of the kid.

It has to 100% be kid focused and leave any baggage between the adults out of this decision completely as this will effect the kids life 100x more than you, him or your wife's life... so all I can really offer is just the reminder that this should be about the child and not any personal differences the adults have.

If you have emailed him about the subject then that is a way of proof but like i said earlier upsetting the childs father who wants to be in her life (which is a lot more than some people) is not going to help anything in the long run.

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I'm not familiar with family law, but all I can say is DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Even in states where verbal agreements hold weight (like GA), they don't mean much without some kind of proof.

Recording interstate phone calls is usually a federal no-no, regardless of each state's respective laws. So do it in writing. Preferably via certified U.S. mail. Only costs about $3.65. On the receiving end, notaries and simple affidavits are cool too. Open the envelope in front of a notary and have her sign off on a statement of facts as to the contents. I'm not a lawyer, but these are easy ways to cover your azz if you're dealing with a potentially hostile party. It may be much simpler than this, depending on where you are, but I'm generally paranoid and like to prepare contingencies for liars.

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Similar situation man, you can only do what you can on your end. If he refuses to cooperate, it may not be what you think it is on his end.

There is only so much you can really do. You can offer to send her to stay during summers. I just really hope the whole thing works out. It seems like a good opportunity for the child.

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can't blame the dude for not wanting his daughter to go to Guam.

I think both sides need to sit down and think about the child and not who has the brassier nads.

You say he is acting snide but it sounds snide when you say " he thinks he has control in the situation" Neither of you sounds like you are thinking about the kid, TBH.

But then again, I measure my relationships in beers, not years.

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I see a lot of discussion about how this screws one parent or the other, but nothing about how each decision affects her.

Hmmmmm.

Dem Birds - "There is no good solution for the kid. That's the only thing that really matters and it's a lose lose."

kane - "Don't get emotional about this decision (ofcourse it isn't easy) but the idea of this guy acting like a jerk is annoying but doing something to spite him is not what is in the best interests of the kid.

It has to 100% be kid focused and leave any baggage between the adults out of this decision completely as this will effect the kids life 100x more than you, him or your wife's life... so all I can really offer is just the reminder that this should be about the child and not any personal differences the adults have."

Knight of God - "It seems like a good opportunity for the child."

lilhoney - "I think both sides need to sit down and think about the child and not who has the brassier nads.

You say he is acting snide but it sounds snide when you say " he thinks he has control in the situation" Neither of you sounds like you are thinking about the kid, TBH."

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I can honestly say I see both points of view on this. You've been civil in your offers of compromise, but I would not just be ok with not seeing my daughter for 2 or 4 years because of my ex-wife's new husband's career.....no matter if that career was military. Your definition of his "working with you" to him probably means giving up on years of being in his daughter's life to, that would be a tough pill to swallow under any circumstance. That's the thing when families split up though, there are no ideal solutions.

The only advice I would offer is since he is being snide in discussing this and court may be a future prospect, document everything: your willingness to work with him, any offer to send her back for visits, asking his advice on an amiable solution, etc. I would suggest trying to mostly communicate with him via email, your documentation is automatic as is the tone of the conversations.

Good luck in this and in your deployment.

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Hmmmmm.

Dem Birds - "There is no good solution for the kid. That's the only thing that really matters and it's a lose lose."

kane - "Don't get emotional about this decision (ofcourse it isn't easy) but the idea of this guy acting like a jerk is annoying but doing something to spite him is not what is in the best interests of the kid.

It has to 100% be kid focused and leave any baggage between the adults out of this decision completely as this will effect the kids life 100x more than you, him or your wife's life... so all I can really offer is just the reminder that this should be about the child and not any personal differences the adults have."

Knight of God - "It seems like a good opportunity for the child."

lilhoney - "I think both sides need to sit down and think about the child and not who has the brassier nads.

You say he is acting snide but it sounds snide when you say " he thinks he has control in the situation" Neither of you sounds like you are thinking about the kid, TBH."

When he is texting my wife with comments like "You are walking away from your child because there is no way she is going" I would say it's being snide and acting like he's in control of the situation. Like I have said in the OP, I understand his view but the reality is something needs to be worked out and it's seeming like he wants my wife to hand her over for 4 years. I REALLY think the 2 year/2 year arrangement would be best for the parents and the child. I guess I should have said in my OP that she wants to go with us and he knows that she wants to go with us but it does not seem to matter. I really do not think it's best for her spend the entire 4 years away from either parent.

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When he is texting my wife with comments like "You are walking away from your child because there is no way she is going" I would say it's being snide and acting like he's in control of the situation. Like I have said in the OP, I understand his view but the reality is something needs to be worked out and it's seeming like he wants my wife to hand her over for 4 years. I REALLY think the 2 year/2 year arrangement would be best for the parents and the child. I guess I should have said in my OP that she wants to go with us and he knows that she wants to go with us but it does not seem to matter. I really do not think it's best for her spend the entire 4 years away from either parent.

For future reference, don't ask for unbiased opinions then whine when we don't automatically jump to your side

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For future reference, don't ask for unbiased opinions then whine when we don't automatically jump to your side

I dont understand how you think I'm whining, just trying to provide some detail. I actually agree with nearly everyone that has posted in here. I thought my wife and him were both only thinking of themselves when they were arguing over where she was going to go. I sat my wife down and let her know that I did not think it was in the child's best interest to spend 4 years away from either parent and let he know I thought a 2 year split would be best for all involved. After some discussion she agreed with me and let him know we were willing to do that w/ summer visitation with the parent she is not living with at the time. I know posting on this board is not ideal, but we are really trying to exhaust every option we can before this ends up being something that will have to go to court, ultimately putting the fate of the child into the hands of someone who does not really know any of us.

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When he is texting my wife with comments like "You are walking away from your child because there is no way she is going" I would say it's being snide and acting like he's in control of the situation. Like I have said in the OP, I understand his view but the reality is something needs to be worked out and it's seeming like he wants my wife to hand her over for 4 years. I REALLY think the 2 year/2 year arrangement would be best for the parents and the child. I guess I should have said in my OP that she wants to go with us and he knows that she wants to go with us but it does not seem to matter. I really do not think it's best for her spend the entire 4 years away from either parent.

Yeah RD, sometimes folks use children to try and control you...believe me...I know.

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I have already asked the MPF about cancelling the orders if it came down to it and they told me there is no way.

Well bro, all I can say is watch out for the tree snakes, I been to Guam, is beautiful, but all the snakes and chit kind of ruin enjoying the nature over there ...

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You need to talk to an attorney ASAP. That's the best advice anyone here could possibly offer.

Can't believe you didn't charge him for this.

Seriously though, this is the best advice. Family law is shyte, but this guy doesn't hold all the cards like you both apparently think he does. You may have a lot more legal leeway than you think. In some states, there are special rules of some areas of law (like family law) carved out for military families. Lawyer up, man.

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