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Pat Y On Mike Nolan Not Being God

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Saturday, March 2, 2013

In Tragic Turn of Events, Nolan Exposed

By Pat Yasinskas

The Atlanta Falcons were thought to be in a good spot, particularly after the 2013 NFC Championship Game appearance, despite having lost three starters. Some skeptics believed that the losses of defensive end John Abraham and cornerback Dunta Robinson would cripple the Falcons, but with their faith in Mike Nolan, many were steadfast in their hope.

Now, the real question comes out...were they right to be?

In a shocking change of fortune, chemical imbalance tests conducted by biological chemistry majors at the University of Harvard have revealed that Mike Nolan is, in fact, not God. This news is especially unfortunate when you consider its timing, coinciding with the release of several players that, while old, many considered to be the metaphorical "backbone" of this franchise.

Though the releases freed up roughly $16 million, skeptics now have reason for pause. Is this Falcons team truly headed in the right direction? Was last year's playoff victory just the same old Falcons getting lucky? Without the aid of a being capable of altering the space-time continuum and bending reality to his whim, are the Falcons really capable of doing...anything?

The Falcons should be making plays for in-house free agents cornerback Brent Grimes and strong safety William Moore now, and maybe even defensive end Dwight Freeney, changes that wouldn't be possible without the release of so many other highly paid players. But one has to think changes will be coming with this important update on Nolan's status. The Falcons will likely look to demote him to LB coach or some other sub-deity position for the rest of his contract while bringing in a stopgap at DC for the time being - perhaps a minor Norse god until they can find someone to really carry the weight.

Edited by Falcan Moore
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Why does anyone think the Falcons should get Dwight Freeney? Didn't we just get rid of a guy who would play the same role Freeney would play if he joined the team?

hey... if Pat Y writes it, you take that baby to the bank!

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But how can we really know for sure? Assuming saves lives...guilty until proven innocent. Nolan could very well be the anti-Christ. Or at the very least a lesser demon lingering in the brimstone.

He was talking about BVG.

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