Penn State Players All Worried They're Going To Be The One Who Accidentally Kills Joe Paterno

[Mr. Hoopah!]

:lol:

Onion Sports

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Hospitalized after a receiver crashed into him on the field last Sunday, Joe Paterno’s return to practice Wednesday came as a vast relief to Penn State players, all of whom live in constant fear of being the one who inevitably kills the 84-year-old head coach.

“Every day we go to the field worried about which one of us will accidentally bump into Coach, cause his entire body to fall apart, and kill him,” senior defensive end Jack Crawford said. “There’s no doubt we are going to be the ones responsible for his death. That’s inevitable. It’s just a question of who and when."

“At this point, it’s part of the Happy Valley tradition," Crawford added. "No names on the jerseys, ringing the victory bell, and being very, very careful not to be the reason Coach Paterno dies."

Paterno, who suffered minor fractures during Sunday’s accident, also had his leg broken during a 2006 game against Wisconsin and injured himself in a 2008 practice while demonstrating an onside kick. In fact, Nittany Lions players and coaches confirmed, Paterno has been close to death an average of once a week for the past 30 years.

"His heart and lungs actually first stopped functioning for a few minutes when Alabama upset Penn State in the 1979 Sugar Bowl," Penn State athletic director Timothy Curley said. "And I estimate about 13 times since then. For God's sake, don't tell him, but after that kid ran into him Sunday, Coach Paterno was clinically dead for five minutes."

Paterno has been a constant presence at practices during his entire 46-season tenure as head coach, and in recent years, players have developed special procedures to minimize the risk of inadvertently killing him. According to team sources, the Nittany Lions offense runs plays away from the fragile, ancient coach, and any ballcarrier who finds himself within 10 yards of Paterno is expected to stumble harmlessly to the turf.

In addition, Penn State has reportedly managed not to practice punts or kickoffs in Paterno's presence since 1996, when the then 70-year-old Paterno was lightly grazed by a member of the return team and had to be rushed to a hospital, where a cardiothoracic surgeon massaged his heart for 30 minutes.

"Every game, every quarter, every down, I’m terrified I might be the one who kills Joe Paterno," said junior wideout Curtis Drake, who now refuses to run sideline routes. "It’s not just playing football, either. The tough part is all the little things, like staying 3 feet from him when he's talking so you don't use up all the oxygen in the air, and making sure he's not standing in your shadow, where he could get cold.”

“There are just so many ways we could potentially kill this man,” Drake added.

Team sources said that while it may not be obvious to the casual observer, the entire Penn State sideline has for decades been more committed to preserving Paterno's tenuous hold on life than to winning football games.

"Of course, we hate to lose, because Coach could take it too hard and die,” sophomore quarterback Paul Jones said. “But we can't win by too much, either, because then he could get too excited and die. We also can’t not hustle or play hard, because then he might get angry and die. So basically our game plan is to establish an eight-point cushion and keep it there, easy does it, no drama."

"And if we do win, absolutely no dumping Gatorade over Coach Paterno," Jones added. "I mean, are you ******* kidding me? He'd fall apart like a stewed chicken."

While Penn State sources admitted the team's focus on preserving the delicate health of their octogenarian coach has somewhat limited their football program, all agreed that at this point Paterno's presence on the sidelines means more to the school than winning games.

"Joe Paterno is a national treasure, and as far as I’m concerned, he can coach as long as he wants,” Penn State president Graham Spanier told reporters. “I mean, without Penn State, the man would drop dead in a second, and I’m certainly not going to be the one to kill him.”

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[SacFalcFan]

that is a very big concern (jokes notwithstanding) and frankly joe pa needs to retire.

[Volunteer Falcon]

Lol I love the Onion, some quality stuff comes out of there.

[Falconsken]

that is a very big concern (jokes notwithstanding) and frankly joe pa needs to retire.

Its all a joke...

[South FL Dawg]

that is a very big concern (jokes notwithstanding) and frankly joe pa needs to retire.

Agree, he's 84 and even if he's in great shape for his age that's still somebody who's slower both physically and mentally. I'm sure he's delegated tons already but I think he's being overly greedy to not step aside for one of his longtime assitants. However Penn State can't fire him; that is the catch.

[SacFalcFan]

Agree, he's 84 and even if he's in great shape for his age that's still somebody who's slower both physically and mentally. I'm sure he's delegated tons already but I think he's being overly greedy to not step aside for one of his longtime assitants. However Penn State can't fire him; that is the catch.

his contract is up at the end of this year. he is paid very little compared to other coaches, but he physically is unable to do the job. he wanted to coach from his house a year or so ago and they told him he couldn't and he has coached from the coaches' box because he couldn't handle being on the field. he is a great alltime coach, but all great coaches have to stop at some point.

[South FL Dawg]

his contract is up at the end of this year. he is paid very little compared to other coaches, but he physically is unable to do the job. he wanted to coach from his house a year or so ago and they told him he couldn't and he has coached from the coaches' box because he couldn't handle being on the field. he is a great alltime coach, but all great coaches have to stop at some point.

I'm with you Sac. I hadn't heard that he wanted to coach from his house....with all due respect to him that is not coaching. But how do you tell him that when he's done so much. Understatement to say he'll be a tough act to follow.

[scottp12]

Not gonna lie, I didnt see the onion sports name at the top. It took me like 4 paragraphs to figure out this cant be real lol. I absolutly died (no pun intended) laughing! But yeah he should prolly quit lol

[Volunteer Falcon]

Not gonna lie, I didnt see the onion sports name at the top. It took me like 4 paragraphs to figure out this cant be real lol. I absolutly died (no pun intended) laughing! But yeah he should prolly quit lol

Lol I wanted to jump in and say something but it was getting to good.

[Billy Ocean]

The mods let alot get out of control that they shouldnt. I know in college sports section The mod over there deletes anything i say that isnt pro SEC because im an ohio state fan they all talk trash over there about osu run the academics down and all the bs. But he deletes the first thing i say bad about SEC fans. SECfan i think his name is. they were talking about jo pa from penn state being a bad coach because of his age and him being a distraction and all i said was that had ga had a coach that meant as much to ga as jo pa means to penn state they wouldnt say that bs... and he deletes my ****.

He gets on me for personal attacks when i've never EVER made a single personal attack at anyone over there... im always caught up defending ohio state and he lets them say whatever they want over there... i get shots taken at me for attending osu and all that non-sense and if i fight back he says stuff. So dont say they are bound by code because according to him you get banned for personal attacks and i have had several thrown at me the past few topics over me saying preseason doesnt matter.

mods can do so... please read my post again above about the college sports part of the board... 10 bucks says i go over there and make a post calling the SEC garbage and rant and say some ignorant stuff over there that gets said over here it'd be deleted in 6 hours. Or lord have mercy i say something bad about GA it'd get deleted. They can make posts about OSU fans and how stupid and unclassy and out of control and uneducated we are but i make a joke about ga and i get a warning and all that bs.

Or i go over and call people fat talk about their g/f's or ex or thier personal integrity i'd get banned... it happens here all the time and in RC and ABF but i do it there he jumps all over it. There are double standards then in other parts of the board.