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Two men decide to rob a bank, as they were exiting,many police cars surrounded the bank, the robbers decided to separate and run each to his own destination, years went by and one of the robbers stopped his limosine and sees his bank robber friend begging in the street. "How could you be there begging after making so many millions", asked he to his friend, when he answers: "You don't even know... When I opened that suitcase it was full of promissory notes, and I just payed the last one yesterday."

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A old man and his wife who's hard of hearing is driving a cop pulls them over at the driver's window the cop asked to see the old man's driver's license.

The hard of hearing wife said in aloud voice: "What did he say?" The old man replies in aloud voice: "He wants to see my license." The wife replies: "Alright"

Tthe cop looks at the license then says: "So, you're out of W.Va." Then says: "The worst piece of *** I ever got was from W.Va." The wife asked in aloud voice what did he say. The old man replied: "He thinks he knows you."

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Asian Dr. Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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Two brothers, living together, made their living as traveling salesmen. One day, sitting in the kitchen, the elder brother calls to the other. "What's up?", asked the younger brother. The older brother replied, " Do you remember about nine months ago when we got trapped in that storm?", "Yeah...", "And it started raining?" "You mean when we stopped at the beautiful widow's house for the night?" "That's the one. did you happen to 'pay her a visit' in the middle of the night?" "Yeah. So?" "And did you happen to use my name?" "Yes, I did. Oh my God... is she..." "Yup. She's dead and she left me everything."

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I ended up with an older woman at the club bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all. I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit and then she asked, 'Have you ever had a Sportsman's Double?' 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like and my mind began to embrace the idea. I said, 'No I haven't had a mother and daughter threesome.' We drank a bit more and then she says with a wink, 'Tonight is your lucky night.' We drove to her place. We walked in, she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom! You still awake?'

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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father..During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"

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AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'. "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four months’ vacation and five good leads.'

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Asian Dr. Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart onry good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventuary. Speeding up heart not make you rive ronger; it rike saying you extend rife of car by driving faster. Want to rive ronger? Take nap.

fixed

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A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand? "Not one hand went up...So she took them home and ate them.

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Boudreaux, an 80-year-old South Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor for his every year check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape he is in and asks, "How you stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?" "I stay in the swamp and I hunt and fish every day" says the old Cajun, and, that's why I'm in such good shape. "I'm up well before daylight and out hunting or fishing all day. I have a beer for breakfast and at lunch and wid my supper. And I have a shot of houch before bed time. And I say my prayers every night. And all is well wid me"

"Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure dem prayers helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?" "Who said Pop is dead?" The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80-years-old and your father's still alive? How old he is?" "Pop be 100 next month," say Boudreaux. "In fact, he hunted with me this morning, and then we went to a "beer joint" for a while and had a few beers and that's why he's still alive. He's a tough Cajun man And he hunts and fishes every day, too.

"Well, the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my Paw Paw's dead?" Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80-years-old, your father is 100 and your grandfather's still living? Incredible! How old he is?" "We tink 'bout 118." says the old Cajun. He likes his beer too, but he wont touch the hard stuff." The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess your grandfather went hunting and fishing with you all this morning too?" "No, Paw Paw couldn't go this time. He's getting married today." At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why would a 118-year-old man want to get married?" Boudreaux looked down at the floor and mumbled, "Who said he wanted to?"

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A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died .

"Holy Moley, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the otherside." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. "My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."

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Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried squirrel, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all get a ride back in trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why..

The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.

It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Alice

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Um dittle little dittle um dittle lie...............

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A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

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This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."

The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

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I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit? So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth. Life is good in the South.

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Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." "****, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

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