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Emmitt is in for another year


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Emit you is da man. You may not be the best prognostiGator of all time, but you sure be the funniest. Hereistofor some real funny materials that you might be able to incoparate in some of your prognatisifications this season. This funny materials has nothing much to do with actuwell football games, but dose has something to do with tellgating experimentals and with Texas, where you now be reciding.

CHILI JUDGING CONTEST: A Texas Chili Contest -

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention

to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even


The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,

who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a

chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment

and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was

assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili

wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from

the event:


Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the **** is this stuff? You

could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put

the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people

who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more

beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose

feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by

now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,

now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced

from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was

unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally,

the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.

***** is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm

eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and

four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when

I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my

tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if

I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm

worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am

worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world

sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava

like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3

farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

RIP mdrake34.


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