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So I see a stovepipe hat


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So I'm in Walmart, sniffing the beach towels to see if any have been returned when I notice a strange shadow pass over me. I look up and over the aisle I see a stovepipe hat walking lazily down the next aisle and I know right then business is about to pick up. I creep to the end of the aisle and timing it just right hit this ####er with a belly to belly suplex and a Bangledesh ball buster, which due to the differing heights of who it was and who I thought it was turned into a Filipino forehead flatiron.The nine year old kid I just tackled is crying and fading fast and I need info on who paid him to carry the stovepipe hat on a broomstick. I grab him by his avatar shirt and demand " WHO PAID YOU!WHO PAID YOU!" But his body goes limp and so do I when a big dusty boot sends my front teeth on a suicide mission down to the candy aisle.

I fight to stay conscience when I hear the Honest one yell for a clean up on aisle nine. with a hand of my Hank Jr.wifebeater and a hand in the beltloop of my jorts, I am sailing headfirst up number nine and all the clearance toys and pet items blanket me in a not very comfortable bed of shame and remorse.

But remorse is a close cousin to anger and it's not long before they are kissing cousins. I wipe the Bratz Fun an' sluttin' glitter from my eyes and pick up a handful of aquarium gravel. As the boots come into view of my burning eyes I do a rollover that would make a soccer fan proud and fling the painted neon gravel into Abes eyes and at the same time drill him in the gnads with a my Little Pony. He Falls backwards into pet supplies and I take the opportunity to wrap a choker chain around his long ### neck and and pull until I feel his spirit departing. But Abe has more spirit than what can depart in a single choke, and pretty soon a chew toy is trying to invade my sovereign ###.

He gets to his feet and starts raining blows and it feels like his fists are on a wheel. Just then, over the P A a lady calls for "Jan Wilkes" to meet her party in the jewelry section and a look of terror is in his eyes. I take advantage of the distraction and his bad hearing with a well placed kidney punch and a two fisted alpo can combo. I scurry across the aisle and around the corner, giving the unconscious kid one last boot. Abe is right on my heels but he trips over the kids broomstick and I wrap an American flag beach towel around his head. He is clawing at the dark like a madman and both of us fall backwards toward the candy Aisle. I pop a handful of Reeses pieces and power up like Popeye as the reigning Mr. Angry Illinois keeps coming forward. I pop him in the mouth and his teeth fly out like candy corn. A roundhouse kick from him misses, and his foot is hung up on a shelf.I swing a bag of hard candy into his nads and sweep his other foot out from under him and his head pops on the ground with a sickening thud. Right when I am about to finish him, I am jammed in the back with a shopping cart and the lady is screaming " Who's the ##### now ??!!"and I am pelted with 20 items or less, but unfortunately those items are batteries. As I am defending myself from the secondary attack, I hear Abe laughing as he exits through gardening and slips into the night.

Maybe it would have all ended tonight were it not for my anger on the fourth. Maybe every action does come back to haunt you. We may never know, but I do know it's NOT over as long as me and Abe are able to draw a breath and WalMart is helping us save money and live better.

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I just love the Honest Abe vs. PP posts. Such vivid imagery coupled with such a vile hatred isn't often seen. + points for the use of the My Little Pony in the battle. Better luck next time PP, better luck next time.

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Guest Gritz

I actually just read that for ***** and giggles. It's surprisingly entertaining.

I just ordered it yesterday....

Tim Burton has already signed on to do the movie.

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Guest Gritz

Honest Abe gains an ally. :angry:

You know you're my brother T (no homo) but you're testing our friendship when you ask me to go against The Great E ( that's Emancipator for all of the Saints and Panties fans).

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