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ket222

Divorce issues-children, finances, etc

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First of all thanks for everyone's thoughtful reply.

That said, what you say is EXTREMELY discouraging. The idea of only seeing my own children 4 out of every 14 days -well, it's unimaginable. I adore them no less than she. I guess this just means my entire life is screwed and I have no choice but to be miserable. The minister didn't really tell me this part on 'that happy day'.

Why can't there be a law which basically says unless you have been abusive, both parents split time with the kids (if they both want that--in fact many fathers may not, but for those that do...)? Why is the 'new man' told to be involved with the parents more than our fathers, but we have no rights when this happens?

To the woman who responded, I didn't mean to offend. First off, I haven't cheated or been abusive. Second, I mentioned finding other women because I don't want to go through life alone. I'd like to find someone else at some point, although not in the near future. I wanted to know if having been divorced with two kids and little money left over has been hard on guys looking for people to date. According to your picture, you are attractive, so I don't know why wanting someone attractive (intelligence is part of that, good personalilty, etc) is such a nauseating concept to you...

Well, take it from a divorce veteran...you're putting the cart before the horse. In other words, the only needs you should be concerned with during separation should be the kids but your questions are all about how this affects YOU!. I noticed 3 questions about your own needs (401k, future realtions, losing control of the situation) vs. 2 questions about your kids. No questions about their necessities (food, clothing, medical, etc...), where they should go to school, how you could pick them up from daycare, not even about who is gonna go with them to their activities. Your focus is in the wrong place (and quite frankly the weak position)...Change your focus to only your kids and you should come out fine.

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I also said in a later message that I couldn't do it if it meant seeing the kids only 4 out of 14 days. That's less than a THIRD of the time! pls read my most recent message before condemning me for being selfish (they need their father too--frankly, I'm not concerned that they would receive the basic necessities, as I would do anything I could for them)...

For the life of me, I can't understand why the laws are so slanted against fathers. I have heard some survey saying that after 15 years the VAST majority of divorced fathers as barely a part of their childrens' lives (esp after having new families of their own)...is it any wonder??

I just wish we could work things out easily--split the money, split the time with our children--but too many people have horror stories for me to feel comfortable going this route. If the LAW was equitable, then both parties would have no choice but to fairly compromise. But basically I'd have to trust her to be reasonable--she may want to be in the beginning, but after a lawyer got hold of her, who knows?

Thanks for everyone's replies.

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Im so glad Im never getting married...I just got out of a long relationship with both of us talking marriage and to hear these horror stories

makes me think twice why would anybody ever get married..She was talking this big wedding of course me and my family picking up the wedding which in todays norm go for around 50-60 k . when she really doesnt have a pot to piss in and then after a couple of years she wants out and gets half of everything I worked hard for and built up on my own ..**** THAT ..**** women ...

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Marriage, legally, is a hoax.

Why does it matter if I'm legally married or divorced? I'll be with a girl, we should be able to consent to marriage as an agreement between us, and have our families/friends know about it so it's legitimate. No need for lawyers and licenses.

That's how it was done back in the good days.

I say stay married legally, just live apart and date other people. You won't be really married as you can agree to be apart and not married.

Sorry, we cant have 18 wives here.

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WRONG!!!

A) The law changed about 1 1/2 years ago. GA no longer uses the 28% rule but rather both incomes and a new caluclator grid to figure it out. This is a much fairer way of calculating support. Seeing as how you make twice as much her your cut will be greater but not 28% of your gross.

B) Assets are subject to how long you were married, meaning after 10 years, you can expect to give a sizable amount.

C) As for the kids, my best advice would be NOT to leave the house....judges don't look favorably on abandonment. If she is the one that wants the divorce, tell her she can go live her life without any worries but the kids stay and that you'll handle things while she gets settled. And pray she is stupid enough to take you up on it. That's what I did and I got the bigger portion of custody.

D) If you want out, be careful of what you agree to because unlike what the previous poster said, custody and support won't change without a good reason. When you give up your share of custody or shirk your responsibility during separation, you are telling the court that you love the kids but not as much as the other parent. Barring a drug-induced killing spree, no judge is gonna change the final decision.

A)I never said the 28% was the rule, only a guideline, and it can be adjusted based on what both people earn or do not earn. And I believe they can even go so far as to go off of income if either are to get remarried and one stops working.

B)Assets are subject to ownership, not length of ownership.

C) Totally agree

D) The good reason is debateable. Could be a good reason for one, but not the other, and their can be a change. Either way, a request for change in custody costs money unless you decide to fight those without a lawyer.

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I've been married ten years with two young kids. can you pls answer the following questions?

- For arguments sake, let's say I earn about 100,000 and my wife 50,000. I've also been putting away 20% in my 401k all these years. How much do I stand to lose (pay yearly for child support etc) and what would they take out of the 401k

- could my wife take the kids away to her hometown in Alabama? what could I do to stop this or do I have no choice?

- how long would the process take and how expensive?

- most importantly, how often could I see my kids? I have been VERY involved in their lives, but hear horror stories about fathers only seeing their children about four days out of every two weeks. Does it all come down to a judge's arbitrary decision? Is there anyway I could see them half the time if my wife didn't want me to? It just seems like I'd become more like an uncle to them than a father! I'd rather stay in the marriage and suffer all my life, frankly, to be near them.

- If I'm a young looking 43, would it be hard to find attractive women to date in their thirties, or would having kids and not a lot of money make it difficult?

your advise is MUCH appreciated

This should be a good one...

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Typical female response here. How about we don't do the double standard Saturday. How stupid he's been? What if it's the wife having the affair and being stupid. He probably still doesn't have a snowball's chance of getting his kids. This is 2008 and the father ought to have just as much right getting custody of his kids as the wife if both are equally good parents, but the sad part is the judicial system is stuck in the stone ages. One more note, if his estranged wife was the one cheating then I don't blame the dude for wanting to get back on the horse again and ride. Saddle up ket222 and bang everything you can even if it does make Saturday puke. :D

Amen

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It bugged me because it came across that you were considering that as a reason to get or not get a divorce. And I think WAY more important things should come into play besides being able to find an attractive person to date to determine if you should end a marriage. It's just the whole "if something better comes along" concept. Marriage just means more to me than that.

And I didn't think you had cheated or been abusive. I was just trying to point out variables that come into play when judges decide on custody. And I assume your wife hasn't, either, but if she has, the same things would fall into play with her. I wasn't telling you what "ought" to happen in 2008. I was telling you what probably would based on my experience.

But, I will try to answer your question...I have a fair number of friends in their 30s who are not married. Some want to be, some don't. But they all pretty much realize that at this stage in life, they are likely to end up with a man who has kids. It's not a deal-breaker for anyone. But sometimes the baggage that comes along with that is a deal-breaker (bad divorce, bad custody situation, etc.). I wouldn't worry about the $ part - it is what it is, and if someone is dating you for money, you'll be right back in divorce court.

The children situation is tough. I taught school for a few years, and the worst thing I saw were custody agreements where the kids went with Mom on Mondays and Wednesdays and Dad on Tuesdays and Thursdays and then one parent every other weekend. It was a NIGHTMARE for the kids. They had no idea where they were going and were in a constant state of upheaval. And they had no say about it. So if you are going to split time, I would recommend doing a week at one parent and a week at the other. That works out better for school, vacation time, etc. The best thing that you both can do for them is work out a way where everybody wins. And be flexible if your ex needs help or needs to change days, etc.

I'll tell you whats tough growing up in a single family home. Trust me the kids would be happier and better off with their father in there life.

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Sorry, we cant have 18 wives here.

Number of wives has nothing to do with the fact you need a legal document to say you're married.

Whether you want one or 4, I just don't like the fact you have to legally say you're married. It should just be a commitment between people.

YEP.gif

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I will add this child visitation and custody do not depend on whether spouses cheat on each other, the far more important variables are means to support, provide, and the "best interest" standard. It is irrelevant as to why the marriage is ending when it comes to parenting. Unless of course you are in a relationship(s) detrimental to your childs well being. Fault for a divorce has no real bearing on who gets what with the kids.

ok my 2 cents.

next post is a $350 consultation fee

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It all sounds miserable and no one seems to say I can spend half the times with the kids. I think I'll go shoot myself now.

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It all sounds miserable and no one seems to say I can spend half the times with the kids. I think I'll go shoot myself now.

Ultimately the parenting plan will be up to the court (or the couple if they can mediate a reasonable agreement). As a practical matter, dividing time on a 50/50 basis isn't often done. The logistics do not permit it. Think about this: Wife has physical custody, which means the children are living in her home, at a minimum, 24/7 five days a week. How does the non-custodial parent ever reach the same number of hours during that week? The answer is he/she doesn't - the math doesn't work. Now, before anyone jumps up and says, 'Yeah, but what about the summer months when they are out of school?,' my answer is: What about it? Again, do the math.

Once you get all the math done, remember that you are talking about children who very much want a life that consists of more than just school, sleep, and being transported back and forth between parents. Remember, too, the court will make its decisions based on the best interests of the children, not what the parents want or think they should have.

I'll tell you exactly what I've told clients: Be far more concerned with quality, and far less concerned with quantity. If it turns out that court permits custodial parent to move out of state, then you will likely have a continuous period of time over the summer with the kids. You will likely also have provisions that allow communication between you and the kids while they are with custodial parent, and there will probably be a division of major holidays. Make the most of that time instead of fretting over time you don't have.

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It all sounds miserable and no one seems to say I can spend half the times with the kids. I think I'll go shoot myself now.

how about you try to put some effort into making ht emarriage work? Or is that not an option? And if so, why not?

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how about you try to put some effort into making ht emarriage work? Or is that not an option? And if so, why not?

Beat me to it! That's what I was about to ask. If you loved her enough to get married and have your wonderful children, why not work it out? If she hasn't cheated on you, then I say things should be able to be fixed! I am sure there is love inside both of you still, you just gotta find it. Years ago Mrs. PlumberGuy and I had a tough go, we seperated for 6 months while my son was still small (2 years old). I missed them sooooo much but I let it take it's course and we slowly re-kindled things and got back together and had my duaghter (who is talking way too loud in the other room BTW!). It's been almost 14 years since then and I'm glad I stuck around!

I'm not one to take advice from normally, but trust me on this!

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my motto?

ITS CHEAPER TO KEEP HER

Yeah, that is true. But keeping her aint all that bad is it? It's the whole "benefits" package that I hired on for :)

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Why are you contemplating divorce? It's a nightmare and the pain is too big of a cost.

Why do divorces cost so much?

Because they are worth it.

Seriously it's expensive cause it adds up ,but my kids seem okay,and I am certainly happier.I still miss the **** out of them and this is 7 years in to it. It depends on your priorities. got admit it's gonna be nice when the first one turns 18.I will spend about the same I am sure to help with college,

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I'll tell you whats tough growing up in a single family home.

I bet. I mean fighting off all of the other families kids for the last slice of balogna in the fridge has got to suck. All the different mothers coming out after you, and God knows how many Grandmas have their teeth floating in glasses. You need to make sure you have more than one and a half bathrooms.

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Yeah, that is true. But keeping her aint all that bad is it? It's the whole "benefits" package that I hired on for :)

i can get "benefits" anywhere.

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to the woman who is a lawyer (oregon___), I appreciate your answer, but I am just protesting the idea that she would get physical custody and not split 50% apiece. Why should she? I have been incredibly involved with my children's life at every level. What really upsets me is to hear basically "it shouldnt be what the parents want, instead it's what is in the best interest of the child as the courts see it".

WHY DO THE COURTS KNOW BETTER THAN I DO ABOUT MY OWN CHILDREN????? That's basically a stalinist view in my opinion. All I hear about is the 'hassle and confusion' of putting children in two different homes, but that seems minimal compared to not seeing their father LESS THAN A THIRD of the time. Someone else said the kids could be in one house for one week and the other house the next. That seems better to me. Right now I'm looking at a picture of my kids with me and it's infuriating to think someone else will decide to basically separate me from their lives bc they know what is best...

Not mad at you at all...you are only showing the reality of the situation. I am just protesting the situation.

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You really should talk to an attorney. You realize that you are basing decisions based on responses on a football message board? You have no idea what qualifications, if any, these people (including me) have.

I personally think you ought to put some effort into making your marriage work and figuring out why it isn't. But if you aren't going to do that, get information from someone who does this for a living. Then, at least, you can make an informed and educated decision.

Oh, and why wouldn't your wife split custody 50/50? You seem certain of that. How come?

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You really should talk to an attorney. You realize that you are basing decisions based on responses on a football message board? You have no idea what qualifications, if any, these people (including me) have.

I personally think you ought to put some effort into making your marriage work and figuring out why it isn't. But if you aren't going to do that, get information from someone who does this for a living. Then, at least, you can make an informed and educated decision.

Oh, and why wouldn't your wife split custody 50/50? You seem certain of that. How come?

because most women feel that giving birth gives them an edge in the "right to be sole custodian" department.

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