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Quit drinking

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

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I know the truth

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

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I know someone is going to get their panty's in a wad with this one.

This is the short version!!!

This chinese couple had a ******** baby and they didn't really know what to name it since it was ********. So they put an ad in the paper saying help me name my ******** baby. Few days go by and they finally picked a name. What did they name their ******** baby???

Sum Ting Wong

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Ticket please

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."

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HatedInRayJay1 (7/21/2008)
I know someone is going to get their panty's in a wad with this one.

This is the short version!!!

This chinese couple had a ******** baby and they didn't really know what to name it since it was ********. So they put an ad in the paper saying help me name my ******** baby. Few days go by and they finally picked a name. What did they name their ******** baby???

Sum Ting Wong

:laugh:

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A penguin goes to a mechanic shop to get his car checked.  The mechanic tells him he has to wait for an hour, so the penguin goes to a nearby ice cream shop and gets an ice cream cone.  The penguin gets back to the mechanic shop and the mechanic tells him what he thinks is wrong.

Mechanic: "I think I know what your problem is, you blew a seal" 

The penguin replies: "No this is just ice cream"

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An elderly woman requests birth control pills from her Doctor to help her sleep. "But Lady", the Doctor exclaims, "You re 74 years old. You don t need birth control pills!" "Oh yes I do", the Lady answers calmly. "I crush them up into a powder and put them in my Granddaughter s orange juice every morning and it helps me sleep."

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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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The owner of a hardware store was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?

The secretary thought a moment and then replied, Everything but my earrings.

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A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer says, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." He then says to the police officer, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asks the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"

After an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies, "With whom?"

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Little Jonny comes home from school and asks:

'Dad, is God a man or a woman?'

'He is both son.....male and female.' he replied

'Is he black or white?' he asked

'Again, he is both black and white' the father replied

'Well is he gay or straight then?' asked Johnny

'Again god is both gay and straight' he said

'Dad.....is it Michael Jackson?'

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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked

"Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 23 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

"I thought you said I had another 23 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "Sorry, I didn't bloody recognize you."

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nuccah (7/20/2008)
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, theres no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe its a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. Whats so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

:laugh::w00t::laugh::w00t::laugh::w00t:

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bossFALCON"! (7/21/2008)
nuccah (7/20/2008)
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, theres no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe its a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. Whats so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

:laugh::w00t::laugh::w00t::laugh::w00t:

LMAO hahahaha

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Biloxifalcon (7/21/2008)
I know the truth

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

LOL

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Jimusmc (7/21/2008)
bossFALCON"! (7/21/2008)
nuccah (7/20/2008)
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, theres no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe its a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. Whats so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

:laugh::w00t::laugh::w00t::laugh::w00t:

LMAO hahahaha

lol that was a good one
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One day the husband of a woman passed away; they had been married for over 50 years. Upon arriving at the pearly gates the man met Saint Peter who told him that there was only one test to pass in order to get into heaven. The man was still uneasy until Saint Peter told him that the test was that the man had to be able to spell the word love. Upon successfully spelling the word the man was allowed into heaven for eternity.

A couple of days later the man was wondering around heaven and he passed by the pearly gates again. Saint Peter called out to him and motioned him over. When the man arrived Saint Pete told him that he really needed to go to the restroom but he needed someone to cover the gates for him. The man agreed to handle it and Saint Peter made sure that the man remembered to give the test to each person that arrived.

Several people came up and the man gave them the test and thereafter admitted them into heaven. Suddenly the man saw a familiar form walking toward the gates and as it grew closer he recognized his longtime wife of over 50 years. When she arrived he inquired as to why she was here so soon. She explained to him that after his burial she returned home and over the next few days she simply grieved herself to death. The man shook his head sadly and then explained that he was standing for Saint Peter. He explained to her that she only needed to spell a word correctly in order to get into heaven.

Upon hearing this she excitedly asked "what's the word, what's the word". To which he quickly replied

"CZECHOSLOVAKIA"

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