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LAPD Crime Blotter for 09/13/2008


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Los Angeles

Police Department

News Release

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Death of Heisman Trophy Dreams of Chris "Beanie" Wells ruled a Homicide

Los Angeles: Los Angeles Police detectives are asking for the public s help to identify the person(s) responsible for the death of the Heisman Trophy Dreams of Ohio State Running Back, Chris "Beanie" Wells.

On Saturday evening, September 13, 2008 at around 8:00 p.m., Southeast Patrol officers were patrolling in the area of South Figueroa Street and Exposition Boulevard, near Exposition Park, when they heard wailing sounds coming from the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum.

Upon arriving at the scene, Los Angeles Police Officers found the Heisman Trophy Dreams of one (1) Chris "Beanie" Wells expiring upon the grass of the Memorial Coliseum. Los Angeles Fire Department Paramedics transported the Heisman Trophy Dreams to a local hospital where they died from multiple injuries.

Witnesses in the stands told officers they have never seen such a one-sided can of what appeared to be "whoop #####" administered on the Heisman Trophy Hopes of a college football player before.

Police tried to interview numerous bystanders to the crime - later identified by Dectectives as members of the Ohio State University Buckeyes' Offensive Line - but they were sobbing uncontrollably, and were unable to regain composure to give an accurate statement to officers at the scene. Several were observed to be rocking back and forth in the fetal position while howling uncontrollably for their mommies.

When pressed for comment, Senior LAPD Detective Sgt. Joe Friday stated: "I've been walking a beat in the City of Los Angeles for nearly 30 years, and I've seen some things that would turn your stomach. But the sight of those Buckeye Offensive Linemen crying for their mommies is a sight I hope never to see again in my life."

No suspects were immediately taken into custody at the scene. However Los Angeles Police officials later released the following photographs of "persons of interest" in the untimely death of the Heisman Trophy Dreams of Mr. Wells:



Anyone with information regarding this incident is asked to call Senior LAPD Detective Sgt. Joe Friday at 213-555-1234. After hours and on weekends, call the 24-hour toll free number at the Detective Information Desk at 1-800-JUST-AN-OSU.

I got this from the USC message board, thought it was pretty funny.
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